This week is Shark Week and in honor of it I decided to review Jaws 2. Or at least I would have if I owned it. The movie I am reviewing today is much scarier than any of the Jaws films. It presents a situation so horrible that it makes shark attacks seem like nothing more than a trivial nuisance. The film I am referring to is Teeth, a film about a girl who finds out she has “vagina dentata.” In folklore this was used a precautionary tale to warn against rape and premarital sex. In this film it is used to bite off a lot of dicks.
The story takes place in a quiet suburban town that sits in the shadow of a nuclear power plant. As the film goes on we often see shots of this power plant and its cooling towers giving off this ominous black smoke. Its imagery felt very retro, like those old atomic age monster movies from the 50’s and 60’s. The main character is a high school girl named Dawn O’Keefe. She is the school spokesperson for an abstinence program called “The Promise”. Her group gave speeches to children, passed out purity rings, and did all the usual things associated with that idiotic movement. The school they go was so ultra-conservative that the biology books had certain parts blotted out. I remember one scene were the bio teacher was giving the old apology speech when she started a lesson on the origin of life. Seriously, if you want your kids to think sex is evil and that evolution is wrong then home school the little bastards. Don’t ask the school system to fuck them up for you. Stupid right-wing Christians, making me get political during a fucking movie review. Anyway, through her group she is introduced to a guy named Tobey. They hit it off and her and her friends start going out regular. I’m not exaggerating when I say that they are the most unbelievably moral group of teenagers ever. Their avoidance of temptations takes me out of them film. I love the part where they decide not to go see a film because it is PG-13 and might have “heavy kissing.”
Anyway, Dawn starts having impure thoughts about Tobey and her defenses are lowered. Of course even in her masturbatory fantasy they are married. They start hanging out separately and sharing secrets with one another. Tobey reveals that he has had sex before but “didn’t enjoy it” and told her he was a born-again virgin. Of course he saying “I didn’t enjoy it” had all the credibility of “I didn’t inhale.” They try to stay far away from each other but inevitably give in and decide to go for a swim. After getting all wet in the lake they decide to warm up in a nearby cave. Tobey uses this opportunity to make his move on Dawn. Dawn rejects his advances but that does not deter him one bit. He angrily proclaims that he “hasn’t jacked off in six months” and commences the cave rape. You remember how in X-Men the mutant powers would not activate until the person was under extreme duress? What happens next is sort of like that. Her vagina grows teeth and bites Tobey’s dick right the hell off. The movie doesn’t even do a tasteful cut away or anything; you get this medium shot of a bloody dick stump as Tobey screams for a God that has clearly abandoned him. Dawn is in shock during all of this, halfway not believing what just went down. Tobey panics and tries to swim back to shore but bleeds out in the water and dies. She goes home and Google searches for info that might explain her “condition.”
She then decides to go to a gynecologist. After informing the doctor that it is her first time he decides to fist her on the table. As the creepy doctor tells her to “breath through the pain” he realizes that something is amiss. He tries to pull his hand out but cannot. He panics and starts flailing around trying to get his hand out. He eventually does but is minus four fingers. The doctor screams on the floor and Dawn runs away. Soon she learns that her mother is barely hanging on to life in a hospital. The news of her now terminal mother and the other “problem” are too much. She goes to her classmate’s house seeking consolation. They end up getting drunk and having sex. Unlike the others, his member remains unharmed. Later while have sex the classmate reveals that he had a bet going with a friend on whether or not he would score with her. This was not the smartest thing to say to her mid-coitus in that it results in awakening her demon vagina to feast, and it does.
